“Who the fuck does phone sex anymore?”

“What’s that?”

“I had no idea that was even still a thing.”

“I’m not surprised. You have the perfect voice for it.”

“Gross. How much money do you make?”

These are a few of the most common responses, from friends and strangers, when they learn about my occupation. I had similar reactions when learning that most of my idols in the sex work community have Niteflirt accounts. I thought, that must be an interesting side-hustle. I’ll sign up.

I started on Niteflirt in the midst of a cross-country move in January of 2017. Being that I lived with my parents for the first year after my move, it’s all the more impressive that I received Top Performer Gold (meaning I was in the top 1% of performers) relatively quickly.

Screen Shot 2018-10-12 at 8.17.26 PM
Screenshot of my Award History on Niteflirt, which is based on my earnings percentile by semimonth.
I think Bronze is Top 10%, Silver, Top 5%, Gold, Top 1%.

I didn’t stay there long, because I took a hiatus from Niteflirt for about a year starting in May of 2018. There were a myriad of factors at play there: a terrible home life, a chaotic self-image, and, frankly, how much people liked me. I had a lot of loyal callers very early on, and they were ready for me sooner than I was ready for them.

My boundaries were not yet established, and boundaries are crucial in this industry. I thought being intellectually okay with things meant that I could engage in them full-time, and I burned myself out. While I was on hiatus, I got established in a new city, fell in love with a wonderful man, and finally got the courage to say goodbye to my abusive family.

During this time, I “realized” (for probably the 100th time) that working 40 hours a week is not a good fit for me. Having a boss is not a good fit for me. Having to put up with bullshit to meet a bottom line is not a good fit for me. (Re-)Enter: Niteflirt.

I quit my day job and adopted phone sex as my exclusive form of income in August of 2018. Being available for calls 20 hours a week (actually on calls for a smaller, variable number of hours, due to the nature of the work) and making enough to live means I have more bandwidth for the rest of my life. I have more time for therapy, more time for loved ones, more time for studying and just being 23. It also feels really good to not have to sit at a desk or work to maximize someone else’s profit margins.

It’s a job that I can’t really talk about that much. It’s not because I’m ashamed of what I do or worried about people knowing. I just don’t like to brag. I set my own schedule, take time off whenever I want, and I make plenty of money. It’s not something to which most 20-somethings can relate. That topic is worthy of not only of another post but of an entire other blog entirely. For the purposes of this post, I’ll just say that I like to keep my mouth shut about my profession in my day-to-day.

But I love my work! I love what I do. It provides me all the things I need in life to be happy: money to live, free time, and (let’s be real) a lot of compliments. And those compliments are a special animal. When I started doing this work, I assumed I would be praised solely for my looks. What I’ve found, however, is that, by a large margin, most compliments are toward my personality.

I’ve learned so much about sex work that I would probably not be able to appreciate without having experienced this work first-hand. For example, I realized neither how difficult it would be to work intimately with people whose political ideals vary so drastically from my own, nor how often that would come up! People love being 100% themselves with sex workers, and that… has a myriad of implications for the provider.

What do I talk about on a particular call? I really couldn’t even tell you what a usual call for me is. Let me try to break it down:

  • 10% – Calls wherein I play a submissive role, with the goal being the caller’s orgasm
  • 30% – Calls wherein I play a dominant role, with the goal being the caller’s orgasm
  • 20% – Calls wherein I engage in a fetishized behavior, with the goal being the caller’s orgasm
  • 40% – Calls wherein little to no sexual content exists, with the goal being much more amorphous

That was easier than I thought. I guess the variation comes in – a realization of mine! – the various ways in which people express their desires for domination and submission. Before starting this kind of work, I thought BDSM looked like the abominable Fifty Shades of Grey. The more I work with kinky folks, the more I appreciate that domination and submission are only really about control, and that peoples’ preferences within those categories of relinquishing or wielding power are otherwise incredibly nuanced.

Without question, my favorites are the 40% of calls that are just talking – connecting with someone, learning about them, and enjoying their unique perspectives on the world. These are easy calls where I sit down, have a drink, and talk for hours. They usually happen with lawyers and academics. I ask about their lives and keep notes on what they’ve told me. They tell me stories about college parties and the worst things they’ve ever done. If I can stomach their stories, I let them keep calling. If I can’t, I don’t. That’s something else that I love about the work: If I don’t like what someone says to me, I have the freedom to call them in to talk about it, or, if it’s too bad, I hang up and block them.

When I first started doing this, I was heavy on the ban hammer. I was indiscriminate. Talk about a fetish I don’t like or am not sure of? Banned. Talk about paedophilia? Banned. Tell me you’re married? Banned. From the worst of crimes to expressing the most innocuous of preferences, I banned anyone who made me even slightly uncomfortable.

You’d be surprised (or maybe not) on how much this work can negatively impact your mental health if you’re not self-aware. I was surprised at how much strangers talking about things affected me. Most of my reactions were about me and not about them. I had a lot of growing up to do. A year off and a lot of therapy gave me insight into my emotional lability and reactivity. I learned that every bad feeling isn’t a threat to my safety.

Something else I learned is that, for me, being too catch-all (trying to leave my listings vague enough to attract every kind of client) meant that I… caught them all.

POKEMON
TX DATE : 29 MARCH
© SKY ONEHero image of Ash Ketchum and Pikachu, stars of Pokemon, with the show’s notable catchphrase, “Gotta catch ’em all!”

I’ve learned a lot about what works for me and what doesn’t. I think the evolution of my clientele will make an interesting post on its own, so this is where I leave you.

With love and light,

Vandee

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